


Warmth

by Anhamirak



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Character Study, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-04
Updated: 2017-04-04
Packaged: 2018-10-14 23:06:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10545882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anhamirak/pseuds/Anhamirak
Summary: FN-2187 has a secret: he remembers a song as warm as the First Order is cold.Snippets of Finn's life as he grows into a good person and warrior in an environment that's trying to turn him into a brainwashed soldier. Some early stuff I made up, then following canon in Before the Awakening and TFA.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Credit for the idea of Finn remembering a song from his pre-FO childhood goes to other authors who have written this before me. I just ran with it when it wouldn't leave my brain alone. 
> 
> Warnings: no explicit violence, but frequent mentions of bullying, physical and emotional violence, brainwashing, and death. The First Order is not a good place to grow up.
> 
> Intended as pre-finnrey but like John said Finn is mostly preoccupied with not dying so I didn't tag it.

It starts with a song.

He only knows a handful of sounds that might be words in a language he doesn’t know. He barely knows the melody. It’s really just scattered noises that he knows somewhere deep down are part of a coherent whole.

A note here, a syllable there. Tiny and warm and unimportant. It’s not worth mentioning to the Teachers during Reporting. It’s insignificant. (he is afraid.) (he loves how warm he feels with each note he remembers.) (everyone should be warm.)

The song is a secret. (it’s not wrong if the Teachers have not said it is wrong. the Teachers will not say it is wrong if they never find out it exists.) The song does not impact his life in any way. (anything can become true if you repeat it often enough.)

 

FN-2043 and FN-2046 corner FN-2019 for taking a desert Stormtrooper figure he didn’t realize FN-2046 wanted for the strike unit she’s building to assault Fortree’s missile base. FN-2187 looks at Teacher Klaus. He’s studying the three cadets like they’re a puzzle and he’s trying to determine where the next piece should go. Fortree blocks Nineteen’s escape route as Claw crowds him until he’s backed up against the wall. Teacher Klaus watches. Fortree swipes out a leg. Nineteen cries out. Teacher Klaus types something into his desk. They are five years old and they know: to interfere or not is the Teacher’s decision.

FN-2187 is not allowed to interfere. (Nineteen is in pain. Nineteen is _in pain_. FN-2187 knows what pain feels like.) The Teacher should be interfering. (THE TEACHER IS CORRECT THE TEACHER IS ALWAYS CORRECT. the Teacher should be interfering.) Nineteen starts to cry. Teacher Klaus watches. His eyes are cold. (the song is tiny and warm and unimportant. FN-2187 is tiny and unimportant. he wants to be warm. he wants Nineteen to be warm.) (everyone should be warm.)

FN-2187 gets up. (he is afraid.) FN-2187 turns to where Fortree and Claw are teaching Nineteen not to take things Claw wants. (he wills his legs to stop shaking and _walk._ ) Fortree spots his approach and nudges Claw, who also turns to look at him. (Nineteen is in pain.) Their faces become scary. (he is afraid.) He opens his mouth and says “Stop.”

Reconditioning works. When FN-2158 punches FN-2043 in the face during breakfast, FN-2187 continues staring at the wall as he chews his food.

(but he has not forgotten the song.) (he was never reconditioned for the song in the first place. reconditioning worked exactly as intended. EVERYTHING THE ORDER DOES WORKS EXACTLY AS INTENDED. EVERYTHING THE ORDER DOES IS CORRECT.)

(part of him thinks: no. part of him thinks: I kept the song. the rest of him pretends that thought was never formed. all of him pretends he is not terrified that next time they _will_ manage to take the song, too, and with the song they will take all the warmth in the world and make him cold.) (everyone should be warm.)

 

Nines is glaring at him. Oh. He was singing. Training is challenging in every possible way. Sometimes, when they’re all worn down and mechanically going through the motions of cleaning in the sonic and changing into their sleeping uniforms, someone will glare or hiss at him to shush, and he’ll realize he’s been doing it again. He’s never able to get out more than a few sounds before he’s harshly reminded that everyone would much rather he be quiet. Especially when what he’s singing is clearly from Outside. They are ten years old, and they all know all of the Songs and Marches, and these sounds are not among them. Nothing from Outside is worth knowing, never mind repeating.

(the song is from Outside. the song is warm. he hopes those few notes help someone else feel warm the way they help him.) (everyone should be warm.)

Reconditioning works. He only sings Songs at designated Song singing times. He barely makes sounds at all, for that matter, unless it’s to give or clarify orders.

(but he has not forgotten the song.) (he was never reconditioned for knowing the song he was reconditioned for singing it. reconditioning worked exactly as intended. EVERYTHING THE ORDER DOES WORKS EXACTLY AS INTENDED. EVERYTHING THE ORDER DOES IS CORRECT.)

(the song is the bed of earth warmed by the sun that he rested on during their first survival training. the Order is the cold that seeps into his whole body through his fingers when he touches the gleaming plastic walls of the Training Arena. the Order is CORRECT ALWAYS CORRECT.) (everyone should be warm.)

 

When training stops being challenging and becomes punishing, he hums. (it’s not singing.) It doesn’t stop FN-2067’s tears, but it covers the sound of their sobs. At least he thought it did. One month later he is proven wrong when the wake-up lights switch on to reveal an empty bed. They are fourteen years old, and they know: the bed has always been empty, after FN-2066 comes FN-2068, and it is time for morning cleaning. FN-2100 boasts that she’s going to beat her personal best on the climbing wall today. FN-2120 laughs and says that’s still worse than the lowest he’s ever scored. Countdown says that if Singe loves getting his ass kicked in hand-to-hand that much he could just ask nicely. Some of the others laugh, the rest perform their tasks in efficient silence. They clean. All empty beds are swept for dust. After all, spaces that have never been used tend to become dirty over time.

The lights switch off. FN-2187 hums. (he hopes FN-2067 has gone somewhere warm.) (everyone should be warm.)

Reconditioning works. He knows he was reconditioned for humming something from Outside. He does not remember what it was.

(EVERYTHING THE ORDER DOES WORKS EXACTLY AS INTENDED. EVERYTHING THE ORDER DOES IS CORRECT.)

(but he remembers: everyone should be warm.) (the warmth was never in the song.)

 

He goes on his first mission. He does not shoot. His squad does. The miners are dead. (He is cold. So cold.)

He shuts down the simulator. It is fake. The civilians were fake. He knew they were fake. He couldn’t shoot. (He is freezing.)

He goes into his first battle. Slip dies. He does not shoot. The other troopers do. The villagers are dead. (He needs to get out.)

He needs to get out.

The pilot takes them away. FN-2187 shoots the cannons. The pilot cheers for him, and his voice is warm. Poe Dameron offers him a nickname. He accepts and he thinks he could explode with how warm he feels.

Then there’s an actual explosion.

He’s never liked heat. Hours and hours of wandering the desert later he hates it. But he will give anything to not be cold again.

The girl looks at him and he feels warm. (And a different kind of warm at the same time.)

Being near Rey is like standing in sunlight.

Maz Kanata wants to fight the First Order. He freezes. She calls him a coward, even if she doesn’t use the word. He doesn’t care. He _can’t_ care. He feels the frost creeping in. (He _cannot_ be cold again.)

They take Rey. The Resistance won’t get her back, she’s not important to them. They’re going to leave her in the cold. (everyone should be warm.) The shields on Starkiller need to come down or countless people will die.

He runs into the cold.

And it doesn’t touch him. He has Han Solo and Chewie at his side. He is going to save Rey. His breath is visible in the air and he feels warm. (he will help the Resistance save lives. he will bring Rey warmth.)

He stands in front of Phasma and he feels the cold emanating from her. (he’s still afraid of her.) (that isn’t going to stop him.) He is going to take down the shields and she is going to help him. (part of him wants to shoot her anyway. but he has always had warmth at his core no matter how hard they tried to drain it from him.) (he still feels a lot of satisfaction from throwing her in the trash.)

Rey is safe. She is safe and hugging him and he is warmer than he has ever been in his life and he never wants to move again.

Kylo Ren kills Han Solo and Finn _burns_. (so this is rage.)

Kylo Ren killed Han Solo and now he has hurt Rey. (he is still afraid) (he is also angry. so very angry. and he is the only thing standing between Rey who is sunlight and Kylo Ren who killed Han Solo and hurt her.)

He charges.

It hurts. Oh, it hurts. (please let Rey be safe pleasepleasepleasepleaseple –

 

He wakes up. Rey is alive and safe. He is safe. He is warm. (everyone here is warm.)

 

He hears it a week later in the dining hall. Someone is humming and every nerve in his body snaps to attention. Which is extremely odd because he doesn’t recognize the tune. (the song is warm.)

**Author's Note:**

> I know the ending hints at more but I'm not sure I'm ever going to write it, sorry! My brain occasionally experiences a mindquake and fic falls out, idk how when or why that happens. 
> 
> My theory is that Finn remembered one of those common songs parents of a particular culture will all sing to their children. The person humming happened to be from that same culture and so that song was also sung to them as a child. It won't necessarily lead Finn to his family, but it might give him a place to start looking.


End file.
